It's Been Awhile

27 October, 2008

It has been a while since I last posted, and I hope my fans can understand the reasons why. I don’t believe that I need to justify myself or even compromise myself in any way here. The reasons why I haven’t been able to post in the span of almost a year are both lame and inconsequential, yet on the same token are as true as having a cold. So if you will just take a moment I will explain what has occurred since my last post.
My ex boyfriend and I had patched up our differences or so I had thought, and got back together. Well at the time I thought it was something that I wanted, and could do. If you’re asking why I would do something like this, here’s your quick and painless answer. I believe in second chances, at least I thought it would be a good idea and gave it a try in the true attempt in believing in love. As it turns out I was wrong for actually trying to make the attempt in getting back together with the ex, because he hadn’t changed like he said he did. Again, why you ask. Because I believed blindly in second chances and thought it would be a good idea. Not one my brightest moments.
Well, we moved from Texas back to my home state of Wisconsin, where I thought things would get better for the both of us. Nope, again I was wrong. Stupid me. I mean things did get better for one of us, and I was on the wrong end of that stick. However, I did give it a go and put my best foot forward. This is where things got worse in the relationship for me. My dear ex, may he get a disease where his diddly turns black and falls in the toilet, decided it would be of some importance to cheat on me for the 7th time. Then two days later dumped me and moved on like the relationship didn’t mean anything.
Okay, I know some of you think I am still hung up on this guy. At a time I was, but have since then moved on myself. In fact I moved to Indiana, and started over. Yay me! Granted, since I have been here I have burned my bridges, and still look back with a pang of regret. Because now I have few real friends, and no one that I find interesting or attractive. I don’t regret the choices I’ve made, aside burning all my bridges. I think you understand some of that, but in truth, I am more alone now that I have ever been. Why? Well its no longer a matter of why. It’s more of a matter of where do I go from here. I have come far in the time since my last post, and I have come even further without anyone at my side. I don’t have any support or comfort. In fact all in all it has been very lonely, for me.
I think that since all this turmoil in my life, that if I were dating some guy, I would have ended up hurting someone that I care about even more. Just know that if you were in my situation that what I say now is more than truth. I don’t like knowing that I have hurt someone because of actions I have taken, or by things that I have said. Too many people have been hurt by what I have said and done in the last couple of weeks. And now its time to turn around and tell everyone that I am sorry. Granted apologizing is something that I don’t do anymore, because everyone has their reasons for saying or doing something that they know they have to do. I have followed my heart and done what I needed to do to get where I am now.
If given the opportunity, I would have done it all differently of course. But would I be happy with what I have done then? I don’t think that I can say. I know that I have done these things now, and am glad that I used an approach that would have been easier. No, it wasn’t as easy as I say, it was harder than hell to do what I had to do, and I shed all my tears. I guess you can say the experiences since the last post has hardened me, and made me into a person that isn’t exactly what I would want for someone like myself.
So now I am living in Indiana, which is not exactly where I would want to be. But once again I am putting my best foot forward and making the attempt to have a better life for myself. I had started to make friends here, but once again I find myself burning more bridges.
In my MySpace blog, they read some things that they took personally, like I openly attacked them. Here’s the breakdown of what I wrote there, the way I meant it, not how it looks. I said that I am tired of being alone, I am tired of being hurt and misled. That I don’t need sympathy, or false hope. I want honest people that aren’t going to betray me later. The way these people took it was that I am a cold hearted bitter bitch, who doesn’t need anyone in my life ever, and that anyone trying can kiss my ass. I do not regret writing any of it.
Isn’t sad to assume? I think so too. Well those people decided to part my company and never speak to me again. Fine by me, just don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out, cause I don’t want ass prints on my door! I don’t need false friends, simply put. Those that didn’t take it the wrong way were slightly offended of course, and I can’t blame them. I just won’t apologize for it.
Anyway, I needed to say all that, and hope that I didn’t offended anymore people with what I write, since what I have written is the truth at least from my stand point. If you don’t agree I won’t hold it against you, that’s what God is for. Just kidding.
I have lost so much, a lot of which is nothing more than material things that can be replaced if they are so important to me. But most of all, I have lost myself, I lost who I am and what I have become because of all this. And I wish that I hadn’t compromised myself for a guy that I had thought I loved. I guess I had to learn that believing isn’t the same thing as being true to myself. I would have thought that I was doing what I believed to be right, and in the end just ended up laying down and letting myself be walked on. I know that sounds rather bad, but in the end it is all I could do.
I just want people to understand my situation, and not give me pity or false hope. I would rather have people give their support and advice. But what the hell, I try to make do with my own opinions than anything else.
For the moment, I want to say that this is a series of interlinking posts. And that some of these will be light natured and some quite serious. But all of them have a point to them. I would like to point out that for the time being the point of this one and the following posts, are about trust.